​Social media expert and owner of Simpatico Networks, Pamela Mayer, presented "How to spot a liar" in July of 2011 at TED Global. Her work is to teach how to go from lie-spotting to truth-seeking and ultimately to trust-building. Mayer says that lie spotters are armed with the scientific knowledge of how to spot deception, and with the core proposition that lying is a cooperative act, as an uttered phrase has no merit on its own unless someone is willing to believe the lie. Following this line of logic, we can now define deception as a two-phase act, (1) being told or telling a lie, and (2) believing the lie, where all parties involved share equal responsibility for the outcome. Let's not forget that there is also self-deception.

​

Are you surprised by the implication that you are somehow responsible for being a victim of deception?

​

According to Mayer, not all lies are harmful, and we willingly participate in deception for the sake of social dignity, to keep secrets, to make someone feels good or better. But yet at other times, we are manipulated to believe a lie. She quotes Henry Oberlander, a legendary con man of whom British authorities have said that he could have undermined the entire banking system of the Western world, saying, "Everyone is willing to give you something. They are ready to give you something for whatever it is they are hungry for." 

​

Mayer says in her TED Talk, "We're hardwired to become leaders of the pack. It starts early. How early? Well, babies will fake a cry, pause, wait to see who's coming, and then go right back to crying. One-year-olds learn concealment, two-year-olds bluff. Five-year-olds lie outright. They manipulate via flattery: Nine-year-old kids are masters of the cover-up. By the time you enter college, you're going to lie to your mom in one out of every five interactions. By the time we enter the workforce, and we're breadwinners, we enter a world that is just cluttered with Spam, fake digital friends, partisan media, ingenious identity thieves, world-class Ponzi schemers, a deception epidemic -- in short, what one author calls a post-truth society.

​

Trained lie-spotters get to the truth 90 percent of the time. The rest of us, we're only about 50 percent accurate.

​

Should lie-spotting be taught in school in this post-truth society? At what age should lie-spotting be included in the educational curriculum? If you are not trained to spot lies, what can you do to avoid deception, betrayal, being taken advantage of, or taken for granted?

​

And even more importantly, can you live a normal life and connect with people at large if every time you interface with someone, you are on high alert? And if you catch them in a lie, will you call them out, distance yourself, sever the relationship?  

 

Some of us are emotionally intelligent, and they don't need to look for "tells." Such people can recognize and handle interpersonal relationships, judiciously, and empathetically. But even if you can infer the feeling a person is experiencing, you still won't know why this person is feeling this way. You will know that someone is lying, but you can't say why. Emotional intelligence helps when you are in a situation that requires resolution but can not and does not disclose more about a person besides how they feel in this one situation or moment. Besides, being emotionally intelligent is only helpful in intrapersonal and interpersonal interaction, where you are face to face with someone. If you are trying to connect or communicating using technology, you can not see or infer the other person's emotions with accuracy. 

​

Another way to find if someone is a friend or a foe is to intuit how they feel. We are all somewhat intuitive, but the degree and the accuracy of intuitive insight are strictly subjective, and thus unreliable. Few people can discriminate between their own emotions and the emotions of others. Besides, there is no way to fact check your findings unless the other person willingly discloses the truth. Relying solely on intuition without a healthy amount of doubt is not acceptable in a society ruled by logic and scientific proof.

​

In a world where virtual connections replace personal connections, it becomes increasingly difficult to build genuine relationships and trust. 

​

So how do we get to know more about somebody we connect or what to connect with, how can we trust anyone, how can we know their personality? Especially today, when we haven't even met them in person? How can we safeguard against deception, betrayal, abuse?

 

We can't. Not all the time. But you can learn to read people a little better and thus get to know them better, and when you do, you can decide what your interaction with this person should be and close you want to let them come.

​

You don't have to meet someone in person in order to read them, but you do have to collect facts and analyze information about them to reach a conclusion.

​

Will you be able to do this about anyone? Yes, but you probably don't have to this with your cashier at the grocery store. You will find the skill very beneficial when it comes to your significant relationships, in business negotiations, forming partnerships, when you make large purchases or transfer a large sum of money from hands into theirs. In other words, every time you need to decide to trust someone or not.

​

Finally, reading people is not only about determining if they are trustworthy or not. That is just a small portion of why you should learn the skill and self-serving one, in the act of self-preservation.

​

You learn how to read people, primarily so that you can understand people better, build stronger and longer-lasting relationships based on compassion, understanding, and tolerance.

If you learn how to read people, you will gain a deeper appreciation of both human nature and the human condition and, above all, to ascend above ignorance, judgment, and discrimination in your interactions with others. You will know what drives people's actions and behaviors, and judgment is replaced by justified understanding; passions by compassion, therefore, you inevitably will arrive at grace without which peace is not possible.

 

You will learn my system of observation with a focus on available sources

​

• Appearance

• Body language

• Voice and tone 

• Speech patterns

• Social media posts, interaction and sharing

• The environment they created for themselves, or they chose for themselves

• Family, associations, and friendships

• Choice of life partners

• Driving

• Purchases or how do they spend their money- value systems

• Conversation topics and conversational style

• Hobbies and interests

• Texting 

• Timing

​