How To Read Anyone Like An Open Book

​Social media expert and owner of Simpatico Networks, Pamela Mayer, presented "How to spot a liar" in July of 2011 at TED Global. Her work is to teach how to go from lie-spotting to truth-seeking and ultimately to trust-building. Mayer says that lie spotters are armed with the scientific knowledge of how to spot deception, and with the core proposition that lying is a cooperative act, as an uttered phrase has no merit on its own unless someone is willing to believe the lie. Following this line of logic, we can now define deception as a two-phase act, (1) being told or telling a lie, and (2) believing the lie, where all parties involved share equal responsibility for the outcome. Let's not forget that there is also self-deception.

Are you surprised by the implication that you are somehow responsible for being a victim of deception?

According to Mayer, not all lies are harmful, and we willingly participate in deception for the sake of social dignity, to keep secrets, to make someone feels good or better. But yet at other times, we are manipulated to believe a lie. She quotes Henry Oberlander, a legendary con man of whom British authorities have said that he could have undermined the entire banking system of the Western world, saying, "Everyone is willing to give you something. They are ready to give you something for whatever it is they are hungry for." 

Mayer says in her TED Talk, "We're hardwired to become leaders of the pack. It starts early. How early? Well, babies will fake a cry, pause, wait to see who's coming, and then go right back to crying. One-year-olds learn concealment, two-year-olds bluff. Five-year-olds lie outright. They manipulate via flattery: Nine-year-old kids are masters of the cover-up. By the time you enter college, you're going to lie to your mom in one out of every five interactions. By the time we enter the workforce, and we're breadwinners, we enter a world that is just cluttered with Spam, fake digital friends, partisan media, ingenious identity thieves, world-class Ponzi schemers, a deception epidemic -- in short, what one author calls a post-truth society.

Trained lie-spotters get to the truth 90 percent of the time. The rest of us, we're only about 50 percent accurate.

Should lie-spotting be taught in school in this post-truth society? At what age should lie-spotting be included in the educational curriculum? If you are not trained to spot lies, what can you do to avoid deception, betrayal, being taken advantage of, or taken for granted?

And even more importantly, can you live a normal life and connect with people at large if every time you interface with someone, you are on high alert? And if you catch them in a lie, will you call them out, distance yourself, sever the relationship?  

 

Some of us are emotionally intelligent, and they don't need to look for "tells." Such people can recognize and handle interpersonal relationships, judiciously, and empathetically. But even if you can infer the feeling a person is experiencing, you still won't know why this person is feeling this way. You will know that someone is lying, but you can't say why. Emotional intelligence helps when you are in a situation that requires resolution but can not and does not disclose more about a person besides how they feel in this one situation or moment. Besides, being emotionally intelligent is only helpful in intrapersonal and interpersonal interaction, where you are face to face with someone. If you are trying to connect or communicating using technology, you can not see or infer the other person's emotions with accuracy. 

Another way to find if someone is a friend or a foe is to intuit how they feel. We are all somewhat intuitive, but the degree and the accuracy of intuitive insight are strictly subjective, and thus unreliable. Few people can discriminate between their own emotions and the emotions of others. Besides, there is no way to fact check your findings unless the other person willingly discloses the truth. Relying solely on intuition without a healthy amount of doubt is not acceptable in a society ruled by logic and scientific proof.

In a world where virtual connections replace personal connections, it becomes increasingly difficult to build genuine relationships and trust. 

So how do we get to know more about somebody we connect or what to connect with, how can we trust anyone, how can we know their personality? Especially today, when we haven't even met them in person? How can we safeguard against deception, betrayal, abuse?

 

We can't. Not all the time. But you can learn to read people a little better and thus get to know them better, and when you do, you can decide what your interaction with this person should be and close you want to let them come.

You don't have to meet someone in person in order to read them, but you do have to collect facts and analyze information about them to reach a conclusion.

Will you be able to do this about anyone? Yes, but you probably don't have to this with your cashier at the grocery store. You will find the skill very beneficial when it comes to your significant relationships, in business negotiations, forming partnerships, when you make large purchases or transfer a large sum of money from hands into theirs. In other words, every time you need to decide to trust someone or not.

Finally, reading people is not only about determining if they are trustworthy or not. That is just a small portion of why you should learn the skill and self-serving one, in the act of self-preservation.

You learn how to read people, primarily so that you can understand people better, build stronger and longer-lasting relationships based on compassion, understanding, and tolerance.

If you learn how to read people, you will gain a deeper appreciation of both human nature and the human condition and, above all, to ascend above ignorance, judgment, and discrimination in your interactions with others. You will know what drives people's actions and behaviors, and judgment is replaced by justified understanding; passions by compassion, therefore, you inevitably will arrive at grace without which peace is not possible.

 

You will learn my system of observation with a focus on available sources

  • Appearance

  • Body language

  • Voice and tone 

  • Speech patterns

  • Social media posts, interaction and sharing

  • The environment they created for themselves, or they chose for themselves

  • Family, associations, and friendships

  • Choice of life partners

  • Driving

  • Purchases or how do they spend their money- value systems

  • Conversation topics and conversational style

  • Hobbies and interests

  • Texting 

  • Timing

 

HOW TO READ ANYONE LIKE AN OPEN BOOK

 

Stride.

Gait. 

Rhythm

STRIDE, GAIT & RHYTHM

What can you learn by observing someone walking or just how they use their body in space?

We can hide our feelings and not express them verbally but our body, being in the grip of our body chemistry can not. Our thoughts become our feelings and our feelings become neurotransmitters, which in effect become the hormones that trigger us into actions. One example would be if you think how you want to put more space between your body and that of someone you have hurt you.

Look the picture of this young married couple. Can you tell who is the leader in this relationship? The young bride here is pulling the groom along as he trails behind her. She is careful where she steps, her eyes are fixed firmly on the road, on the next step. She is not a romantic damsel with her eyes drifting over the horizon, but a pragmatic person, with strong will and abundant determination. Her clothing is loose, unrestrictive, to allow for motion. She has fire and a direction in her mind. Not a woman you want to cross. The groom dreamy face shows how smitten he is with his bride, he is not even looking where he is going, even though they are running, as long as he can follow her.

Thanks to the mirror neurons, responsible for instant learning, our brain needs 13 milliseconds to form an opinion of someone. If you know what to observe and what to watch for, that first impression can tell you everything about a person.

In this class, we will discuss the elements of the personality that can be inferred by a person's

  • Stride

  • Gait 

  • Rhythmical Body Motion 

  • Speed 

  • Body Control

  • Overall Temperament & Traits 

  • Health Issues and Lifestyle

  • Stress Levels  And Ability For Adaptation

 

FASHION CHOICES (FEMS)

Women truly wear the personality of the sleeve. Feminine energy is finely attuned with the emotional body, how women feel about concepts, events and the resonances we experience.

The appearance of a woman is both consciously and unconsciously displays how she feels about herself and her life.

The colors,  shapes, style, hairdo, footwear, make-up and accessories can tell you a lot about her upbringing,  the major influences that helped to form her personality,  her level of education, life experiences, and level of personal awareness together with the most likely way she will handle them.

In this class, we will address

  • Psychology of colors and their corresponding mood and their relationship to health and mental health.

  • Personal habits.

  • Upbringing.

  • Early conditioning.

  • Peer pressure.

  • Family history.

  • Level of education.

  • Avocation and Ocupation

  • Demeanor

  • Approachability

  • Boundaries

Fashion Choices

FEM

 

VOICE,

TONE,

 & TIMBRE

VOICE, TONE & TIMBRE

​There is no more powerful tool of communication than the human voice. It is indeed a true superpower if you know how to use it. If you have seen the movie "Chicken Little" the alien dad uses his "big voice" to intimidate the earthlings. Hitler spoke with sharp, bullet-like throws of words at the crowd in Germa, a language that has the "command' phonetics already. "I love you" in Japanese, pronounced while observing their refinement protocol for public comportment does not convey any warm feelings, while the same words were spoken in French, Italian or Spanish melts hearts on sunsets like marshmallows on fires.

Hostage negotiators are trained on how to use their voice to establish rapport and to defuse tension: to persuade and influence a terrorist into engaging and possible complacency. Your parents shouted at you when you did something wrong and cooed to you when did as you were told.

It is true then, that words matter the least. It is far more important how do speak to people than what you say to them.

Here is what you can learn about a person by listening to their voice and their choice of words

  • Age

  • Sexual orientation

  • Sex appeal

  • Personality type

  • Temper

  • Height

  • Attempt to deceive

  • Emotional state

  • Stress Level

  • Intentions

  • Deception

  • Personal Conviction

YOUR BODY CAN NOT LIE

Have you seen silent movies of Charlie Chaplin? The movies are acted out but a word is spoken. every emotion is conveyed with body language. It is truly fascinating how much you can say without saying anything at all.

Your body can not lie. One has to be a great actor, think Meryl Streep and Anthony Hopkins, to be able to speak the body language of another person. Actors tell us that preparing for a new role is a process. They have to "get into character." They study the person or the personality of the character they need to portray, learn their body language, gestures, mimics, tone of voice, body posture, many gains or lose weight or retract the lifestyle of a fictional character to "walk in their shoes."

In this class, we will discuss the posture, position, pose and which body part conveys what message.

  • Predisposition

  • Connection

  • Emotional state

  • Engagement

  • Resentment

  • Emotional concealment

  • Poker face

  • Attempt to deceive

  • Social butterfly

  • Narcissism

  • Introvert

  • Extrovert

  • The Bully

  • The Submissive

  • Confidence

  • Competence

  • Insecurities​

BODY LANGUAGE

 
 

STYLE CHOICES

HOMES

STYLE CHOICES

HOMES

Women tend to dress for the occasion, where men dress for the action.  The personality of a woman is easily discernable from the way she presents herself, the character of a man can be inferred by what he wears.

The choice of fabrics, price of the garments, and styling can tell a story about the lifestyle of a man, his intentions, his circle of friends, his preferences and his activities.

 

What color, style, hairdo, footwear, grooming, and appearance can tell you a lot about a new guy coming to your life.

  • Psychology of colors and their corresponding mood.

  • Occupation

  • Personal habits 

  • Upbringing 

  • Early conditioning 

  • Family history 

  • Level of education

  • His initial attraction to you

  • His willingness to impress

  • His intentions towards you

  • His expectations for the rest of the night if you are on a date

 

FACIAL EXPRESSIONS

(MICRO)

Forty-three muscles control your facial expressions. Scientists have recorded twenty-one facial expressions that are recognized by most people, but the micro-expressions are in the thousands. We refer to fleeting, almost imperceptible glitches of the movements of the facial muscles as micro-expression,s and those are usually observed when a person is trying to hide his emotions or deceive.

You are all familiar with the main facial expressions as they are sincere and plain to see. In this class, we will focus on learning about micro-expressions, the subtle signs of what is hidden or what the person attempts to obscure for personal gain.

Micro-expressions are present when someone is trying to deceive you while they are in your presence.

We will visit each of the visible facial areas listed below and give you a list of expressions to watch for and their meaning.

  ​

  • Eyes

  • Forehead

  • Eyebrows

  • Nose

  • Mouth

  • Neck

  • Ticks

  • Touching

  • Ear

FACIAL EXPRESSIONS

PROFILING A PERSON BY THEIR PICTURE

A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND

WORDS

A picture should be read just like a book. We don't focus only on the protagonist. To get the whole story, we need to pay attention to everything in the book; the time in history, the location, the natural setup, any objects that are mentioned, the action, the players, etc. Only when you consider all the convoluted details, twists and turns can we know the whole story.

When we look at a photograph, we  should take notice of the

  • Mood

  • Location

  • Focus

  • Environment

  • Other people

  • Activity

  • Filters

  • Attention grabber

  • Captions

  • Comments

In this online class, we will learn how to put a profile together from the information we harvest from a picture. If you date online or if you build any kind of relationships online, or doing business from a distance with people you have never met before, this is the class for you.

 
 

THE ONLINE PERSONA

​The development of Internet communication and social media has expanded the traditional notion of identity. Now, people have online identities in addition to real-life identities. It gets fairly complicated to manage the relationship between online and real-life identities because what you post online, stays online; old content can shape people's interpersonal perception of you in the real world; potential employers and recruiters tend to use online platforms to verify and validate the identity of individuals.

Oline posts can create an unrealistic timeline of a person's life events: they can disclose way too much and too personal information about a person; and finally, other people can post about a person without the person knowledge or tag a person to a post without a timely disclose or consent, thus adding extra and other unwanted layers to the public perception of a person without their consent.

This class teaches how to create the right online persona, congruent to your real-life identity, how to protect it, the "do's" and the "taboos" of proper online behavior.

Topics include

 

  • Presence

  • Sharing

  • Interests

  • Comments

  • Likes

  • Friends

  • Events

  • Locations

  • Display

  • Disclosure

  • Privacy

THE ONLINE PERSONA

THE NEW LANGUAGE OF

TEXTING

THE TEXT LANGUAGE

Someone once said that texting is to the modern society as Babel was for the people of  Shinar, who were so enamored with their own image they wanted to build a tower to worship themselves. However, "God was not so pleased. He came down and looked at the city and tower and said,

If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them. Come, let us go down and confuse their language so they will not understand each other. (NIV, Genesis 11:6-7)" 

That biblical city is known as Babel. Never have we had a worse form of communication than texting, especially having in mind that 78% of all communication is non-verbal. Today all we are left with is a short text, or worse, abbreviated text colloquialisms and emojis. And if this is not enough evil, most relationships start online and continue by text or DM.

Texting has its own dialects and accents. This class will focus on giving you dispersing codes for interpretation and inference of the true human intentions behind the "what does that mean," and techniques for proper interaction with the opposite sex. 

The language of 

  • Ghosting

  • The Hook-Up

  • The Ambiguous Text

  • Emojis

  • Frequency

  • Word choice

  • Length of text

  • Timing

  • Sharing

  • Exposure

  • Disclosure

  • The Taboos of Texting

 
 

INTERESTS AND HOBBIES

​Imagine scenario #1.

You met someone online and you are meeting them for the first time in person, going out on the proverbial first date. You liked how they look and "something" clicked there but that is all you know at the moment. You are excited about the opportunity that this one might be "the One,"; you take care of your appearance, mani, pedi, hair, make-up; all is checked if you are a girl; you went home, showered, shaved and changed if you were a guy. You are ready for the date on the outside. What you don't know and you are not ready is the actual meeting and the conversation that will take place. In situations like this is best to stay on the safe side and talk about less personal topics than occupation, credit scores, past lovers and relationships, just as your dating coach told you. You need to establish a connection before you go into the Big Topics.

Or consider Scenario #2.

You have a business presentation or a meeting and the outcome is important to you. You have prepared all your charts and facts and you are good to rock their world. The problem is you don't know anything about the person or the people whose worlds you are about to rock. Before you influence someone to any degree you need to establish rapport with them and that begins with small talk. What should you talk about in the limited time assigned for small talk in a business meeting? Whether or sports? Talking about the weather is fine but it won't impress anyone or grab attention, sports are risky as you don't know if they are into sports and speaking about your fan flames can get you into trouble fast.

What do you do?

Talking about interests and hobbies are the best and safest conversation starters not only to build rapport but also, it will give you enough information about the other person. You ask questions and then just listen. 

How people chose to spend their free time is telling you a lot about them. We will discuss what interests and hobbies disclose about the person's

  • Temperament

  • Stress level

  • Talent

  • Personality

  • Peer pressure

  • Family dynamics

  • Individual preferences

  • Personal needs

  • Proclivities

INTERESTS & HOBBIES

 

YOUR SPACE & YOU

AS WITHIN SO WITHOUT

If you have never met a person of interest, spoken to them or seen their picture there is still you can learn about them if you have seen a picture taken in their home. Most people do take pictures in their homes so it is not hard to come by an image that "tells it all."

A picture of someone's space can tell you a lot about a person by their

  • Choice of colors

  • Maturity Level

  • Personality type

  • Personal habits

  • Personal boundaries

  •  Need and use of space

  • Order or creative chaos

  • Socialization

  • Problem-solving

  • Creativity

 

Where Your Money Go

There is an old saying that if you want to dig for diamonds, you need to bring your own shovel.

This is the last class in the series, "How to read anyone like an open book". We kept the best for last.

Money is value. The price of something is not the only cost of production or manufacturing to the market. The price tag of something also indicates how much people value people see in it.

What we purchase and where our money goes can tell you everything about a person and this is the only time where you will have a proof for our findings. It is important not to confuse belongings with purchases, because belongings can be gifted, inherited, borrowed and even stolen. Hence for the purpose of this talk, we will concern ourselves only with the price tags.

We carry our purchases with us at all times and in bright light, yet very few people ever pay attention to the message in the price tag.

Knowing what a person purchase can tell you not only about him or her but also about their family history and their personal future.

 

We will use price tags to extract

  • Personal values

  • Accountability

  • Responsibility

  • Credit score

  • Morals

  • Need for attention

  • insecurities

  • Attitude towards life

  • Hidden aspects of the personality

PURCHASES

WHAT WE DO 

"If it breaks from the inside, life begins.

If it breaks from the outside, life ends."

EMPTY IS THE ARGUMENT OF THE PHILOSOPHER WHICH DOES NOT RELIEVE ANY HUMAN SUFFERING.

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